5 Reasons I Don’t Like Gin

2010 November 3
by Dave

A lot of people ask me, “Dave, why don’t you like gin?” Okay, I lied. No one has ever asked me that . But the hard and fast, the long and short  of it is that I don’t like gin. Never did. Sure, on numerous occasions I give it another shot; a different cocktail, a new label, a prettier garnish. But in the end, no matter what I do, the first taste of that stuff makes the hairs on the back of neck stand straight up and my stomach turn over a couple time.

Why do I find gin so vile and offensive? Here’s a little bit of insight.

1. “IT TASTES LIKE A PINE TREE!”

A more accurate description of gin has never been uttered. I first heard it from a fellow drinker many years ago at a mutual friend’s birthday party. This was before I had even ever tasted gin. I should have listened. I took a swallow of a Gin and Tonic and it tasted like licking one of those pine tree air fresheners. I don’t even put those things in my car, so why would I want to put it in my body.

2. It Makes Me Sweat

I don’t like to sweat. So, stands to reason that I would not like things that make sweat. I don’t go to Arizona in July, I don’t eat spicy food, and I stay the hell away from a gin cocktail. If I even look at gin, even if it’s an icy martini, I get a case of the sweats and end up having to change my undershirt.

3. Too Much Crap

It’s just got too many damn flavors. I tell you what. I’m going to cook a dish using herbs, spices, fruits, roots, flowers, berries, and tree resin. That’s right, some brands of gin contain Frankincense. The stuff they burn in church around Christmas time. That’s going to taste wonderful! Why all the junk? Could it not decide what it wanted to be when it grew up? Little toddler Gin couldn’t decide between being an astronaut or a firetruck. Take a look at wine. It has 1 flavoring ingredient. Grapes. It knows what it is.  Beer has two or three. Gin lacks focus which leads me in as many directions as there is ingredients.

4. Berries Don’t Make it Better

Let’s be honest, adding berries to something makes it better. That’s pretty much a universal truth. Look at Cap’n Crunch. The world’s most amazing cereal is made that much better by the addition of Crunch Berries. Well Gin is the exception that proves the rule. Sloe Gin is even more foul than it’s un-adulterated counterpart. It tastes like medicine. I don’t even take medicine when I’m sick.

5. Gin is NOT Water

Despite what everyone’s favorite gender-bending Brit  may want you to think, Gin is not a suitable replacement for good old H2O. Now, I know Thomas Jerome Newton is a space alien and everything, and maybe that should have tipped me off. I don’t know, maybe I just didn’t “get” the movie. I do know that now, every time I see a bottle of Beefeater I just feel a sense of panic come over me and want to do nothing but watch a wall of televisions. That movie just sort of depresses the hell out of me.

I’m sure that by this point, a lot of you are thinking “Dave, you’re being ridiculous.” Maybe I am. But you know what? Those are my reasons. And that’s okay. I’m allowed to not like gin. There’s enough other stuff out there for me. That’s what makes the hooch so great. There are so many ways to get smashed, that I won’t ever miss the couple of them I don’t like.

But hey, I’m always open. Come on over one day, bring a bottle. We’ll crack it open and I’ll give it another shot. That’s just the sort of guy that I am.

2 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 November 3

    I went and bought a bottle of Gordon’s after I read this.

    I love Gin. Straight Gordon’s is my preference. I drink it like Bond in the books. Half the glass at once, then enjoy the rest slowly. Haha, well not always.

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